This story is going to reveal a little more about me. I'm not so sure I'm ready to do this, but I know I need to. So, as always, open mind and heart when you read this.
In December, I was laid off from work. It's nothing new really in this economy. There are so many people who have been laid off, fired, etc because the companies just can't keep up. But this time, it was me. Oh yes, it's devastating, but you don't realize how much so until it happens to you. So I get laid off and my panic attacks ... disappear. This is an opportunity everyone says, and I agree. So I file unemployment and I start looking, finally, for the job that I can turn into a career.
So much has happened to me in the few months I've been without a job; emotional highs and lows that I'm surprised I've muddled through. Okay, so, what I am getting at? Get to the point right? Ok, here we go ...
As I have mentioned, I have been diagnosed with Clinical Depression. I have been clinically depressed since I was 18 (no, I won't tell you how old I am). :p In all my years of dealing with depression, I have never been manic ... until this morning. I currently take Cymbalta ... the highest dosage one should take. I have been on many meds, but this one seems to work well, other than the withdrawals. You see, my memory has suffered horribly in all this. I forget important things down to the very minuscule. Therefore, remembering to take my medicine daily is a struggle, but I've managed because the withdrawal symptoms are horrifying. This morning, I woke up to the 4th morning without my meds. I am fighting with Cobra because I elected to continue my coverage, they gave me until 3/29 to get paid up, however, they didn't bother telling me they would not cover me until I paid. I struggled 3 days last week to get my doctor's office to fill my prescription although I missed my appointment ... they finally did. The pharmacy gave me 3 days work of meds to tide me over until we got that resolved.
So the refills are in and I call to make sure I'm covered ... $363, no coverage. Insurance wants $600 before they will cover it. So to say it in the simplest terms, I was screwed. Each day becomes a downward spiral into the next day. Only one person is keeping me sane ... one ... because this person has latched on and refuses to let go. It's wonderful actually, to finally have someone that knows so much about me and still is there, day by day.
This morning I awaken to a manic episode. Manic ... I've never been manic. I log in SL and begin talking to one of my closest friends ... and I can't stop. I can't type correctly. I'm all over the place. I want to log out and go run, but I want to stay in. Finally, after realizing how completely unstable I am, I call my doctor ... they have samples ready for me. I run off to the shower, start bathing ... and break down in tears. "No one cares. No one cares. I'm a joke, a fool. They lie when all I want is ..."
Another mental break. I'm insane right? Many of you may be staring at the screen wondering if this is truly the woman you know. Maybe some of you are stepping back thinking, "Damn, she's messed up."
I have my meds now, 2 weeks of samples. I'm desperately waiting for my dosage to kick in. I'm staring at this blog thinking how it most likely makes no sense because I'm still slightly manic. So, here's my question ... all the anger, pain, shivers, night sweats, nausea, aches, dizziness ... in all of this I found something interesting.
I found an amazing strength inside me I did not know I had. I have started letting go of people who have openly and willingly hurt me. I have never claimed to be perfect, flawless, but I do not deserve the treatment I get from many of those I once called friend. They would abuse me, lie to me and make me look foolish ... and I would excuse their behavior. But I do not want to anymore. I feel selfish ... and where I used to feel wrong for being so, today I am proud. It's time for me to be selfish. It's time for me to stop letting others make me feel guilty for their lies and deceit. It's time for me to stop giving up my happiness to save others pain.
I love this strength I am feeling. The only question is, when I am stable on my meds again, will it stay? Luckily, I have some truly amazing friends holding me up and reminding me of my strength displayed last night. I think it will remain and become stronger. So maybe I can thank the withdrawals ... they also found me an insane amount of happiness that I never thought I'd have again.
This is my little corner to share with you whatever I feel at the moment I sit down at my keyboard to write. I simply ask for all to read with an open mind and a gentle heart. All worlds collide for a reason.
