Rational Thoughts of an Irrational Mind

The words do not pour from my fingers as they once did.

In my education, I have learned that everyone, even the most seemingly sane, has a touch of every psychological disorder in them. It's called emotion. It's when those emotions are so strong, lasting over a certain length of time, and interfering with our daily lives, that it is truly diagnosable as a disorder.

I have been diagnosed. The anxiety and depression is something I readily discuss. I'm not embarrassed by it as it is what has made me who I am today. What I find quite disconcerting is, although there are many in this world who actually have depression, so many still misunderstand it and mistreat those who live with it.

I don't suffer from depression, I survive it. My depression causes me to be extremely shut off and moody at times. There are days in which I can seem so very upbeat, talkative, hyper, then I will go days/weeks/months behind my wall, silent, watching, and wondering who's out there watching and paying attention. I have learned how to manage it with medication, but also with having friends who have actually taken the time to get to know me and know my patterns. They accept me in all forms and do not take it personally when I fade away for a while. They remind me they think of me and remind me that they are there before, during, and after my phases.

So forgive me when you see a series of posts that are dark and disturbing. Writing is my way of getting the thoughts out, making it easier to move on. Get to know those you cherish. Learn their patterns, love them through it all. And on the day they just cannot stand to face the world, remind them that you are there and still will be when the sun comes out again.

~Kis

In the background: Katatonia ~ "My Twin"

Empathy (n.)
The intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

Have you ever found yourself so totally overwhelmed by emotions that were not yours? Have you ever been so empathetic toward one's situation that you are magically inside their home, experiencing their pain, sick to your stomach, down on the floor, crying in agony?

Why did I start this blog? What would I do if this simple form of expressing the things in my soul, my head, my heart were to backfire, open me even more to those who would use my heart to their will and toss it aside ... again? This is the risk I take, to bring down my walls and write once again.

I set out tonight to tell you a story, a very personal and detrimental one. However, as I wrote the last few paragraphs, I realized I was bearing my soul far too quickly. I wanted to tell my readers how devastating it is to have someone pretend to care and love you with every fiber of their being then vanish into thin air, never to be heard from again. I wanted you all to experience the one thing on the internet that broke my heart into pieces for the very first time.

But I could not bear to show it to you all, not yet. It's been around 6 years and I still find it very hard to come face to face with it. Oddly enough, in SL, I do every single day. I talk to the person who wants to portray themselves as this gorgeous, sexually arousing, aesthetically pleasing being. They want you to believe they are strong, wanted, in demand ... in a virtual world. When behind the screen, they are just as damaged as you are.


So what am I doing tonight then? 1:20am and I should be in bed and instead I am sitting here at my keyboard spilling forth words that really do not make much sense.


I am asking you to feel.

I am asking that when you tell someone you love them you mean it.


I am asking that you hold so tightly to those who matter to you that maybe there are times they cannot breathe.


I am asking you to tell those important people in your life, all lives, that they mean something to you.


And I am asking you to use empathy when dealing with others in all walks of life.


This is something you will truly need as you delve deeper into my stories. Because I am far from perfection. I am far from straight-laced. 


In every thing you do and every thing you encounter, be open minded. If you are not, you will never learn how the world truly is. And that would be devastating.


I think I'll end my rambling here for the time being. My eyes are starting to cross and that cannot be a good sign. I hope I have not run any of my followers off with this blog. Trust me, they will get more interesting as time goes along. 


Thanks for your time

~ Kis

In the background: ToDieFor ~ "Silence Tells More"

I have a lot on my mind to write, but it is all so scrambled that I can't decide which way to go. So I thought instead of my normal rambling, tonight I would leave you all with a poem I have previously written. I do, however, want to give you all a little background as most of you do not know a lot about me. This will help with the piece.

Without going too far into detail and going off on a tangent, I am a submissive. To me, being a sub is different than being a slave, a pet, a toy. I will catch you all up one day on how I came into the world of D/s, but it's an involved story and not one I want to present this evening to you all. I do identify with the switch side, as I can and have been Dominant with a few, but never on a permanent basis. There are so many misconceptions that come to the minds of people when they here you are involved in the lifestyle, you are a sub, you are a Dom(me). From time to time I will hit on these in my blog, but I ask you all to understand what I present to you has developed from the way I was taught as well as the role I felt was pertinent for me.

I have a very dear friend who I have linked to on my page. His blog, at the moment, mostly discusses his SLife as a submissive. If you wish to know more, I strongly urge you to follow along with him as well.

As I stated, you will learn more about my standing and my beliefs surrounding my D/s relationships as we go on, but for now, I wish to share with you a brief poem.


Master
©2009


Leather and stainless steel
Caress the tender skin

My throat gently cuddled
Inside the tender brown

I hear the gentle click
Of steel upon ring

Hazel eyes open
To your gentle smile

Heart beating faster
As you softly tug

Pulling me closer
Strong arms around skin

A tender kiss
Upon my forehead

Heart fluttering
As you speak my name

Finally home
As I call you Master

Thank you all for reading and giving me positive feedback. It really does mean a great deal to me. Enjoy and I will have more for you soon.

~ Kis

In the background: Elegeion ~ "Scars"

I don't understand people. It's odd, because I went to school for 6 years for a degree that at least teaches me to look for reasons in their behavior. All my years, I have forgone myself, my feelings, my health, to take care of others, to try and make them happy. All that has mattered to me is that my friends find happiness, solace, peace. I have damaged myself a lot with this way of thinking and I am obviously aware of that fact. However, I have damaged others too because I mislead people at times because I just don't have the heart to hurt them.

We live in this virtual world where we all hope, in one way or another, that people will follow the mantra that you should not judge a book by it's cover and beauty is only skin deep. Online, one would hope that people would get to know us by who we truly are without the pre-judgement of the superficial.

Unfortunately, the virtual world seems to be much more devastating than the real one at times. I am not really sure why this is. Could it be that we feel so comfortable behind the computer screen that we trust more, open up more? Or perhaps it's because we find those who seem so similar to us, going through the same struggles and the same pains, or at least those who seem to understand.

Maybe that's why we get hurt so much more. It's easier because they possibly do understand, which leads them to knowing our strengths, as well as our weaknesses. They know them and use them against us.

Yes, I realize how cynical this post is at the moment. I realize how bitter and angry I sound. Today I was betrayed yet again by someone I considered to be a friend. Sometimes I think it happens too often. Most times I wonder how it is that I keep allowing it to happen. Maybe this time will teach me to take care of myself more instead of trusting others. I do know that it will take a while for me to be comfortable in SL again.

...maybe that's what I need

I am not a young girl who hides behind words and posts to make myself seem more important or intelligent than I really am. I am a woman in her mid thirties still living in a mind built for the 1940s. My soul is old and has been around a long time. My head is less than sane, but my heart works overtime trying to make up for it's detriments.

This blog is not to bring in readers, put my life on display, change lives, nor to create sorrow or pity. Since I was very young, writing has been my saving grace. In the midst of the deepest sadness or despair, my pen and paper were my friends. They enabled me to transfer my feelings onto something tangible. In the past few months, my writing has all but completely stopped. For those who know me well, this is one of the first signs that my ... disorder has taken hold. This blog is my way to try and pull myself back out of the dark hole I tend to hide in.

In reading this, you will find yourself inside my mind. I cannot say it will always be peaceful, beautiful, and bright. You will follow along with me in this journey I call my life. There will be moments where I will discuss Second Life, Real Life, and the two lives combined. The only thing I ask of you, my reader, is that you do not judge, but you read, listen, and find yourself in a world that you have not been before.

I will fill this blog with my writings, my thoughts, my poetry, music that moves me at the moment, and anything else that speaks to me. Perhaps you will find some of this speaks to you ... perhaps not. Either way, welcome to my world, my mind. Mind your step and do not open any doors I have not yet unlocked. It's safer that way.

I bid you welcome,
Crys (aka Kis, Darqueness)

** Please note all my pieces and my pen name are copyrighted. Please do not use any for your own use without written consent. Thank you!