We sit back and talk. He asks me to share with him anything from my past that may have been a precursor or a cause to all the issues I currently have. "Why are you so needy?" "Why do you crave and destroy yourself in hopes of love?" "What is it that has caused you to be so ... you." The last question did not come from him, it came from my mind. From the first day I recognized I had depression, I wondered why am I me.


At the age of 18, I realized I had this thing called depression. I tried to make my mother see there was something wrong, but she dismissed it. I even left my journal out one day and opened to the most devastating of stories I had written. Being the loving mother she was, she never read it. She closed it and brought it to me, "Baby, you left your journal open in the living room. You should be more careful." She loves me, very much, as does my father. I am sure they hoped their baby girl would have grown up to be more stable. They don't know everything and they never will. I want them to be proud of me, not embarrassed by the things I have done and the predicaments I have knowingly placed myself in.

I was getting my Masters in Psychology when I sat down with my Major Professor and asked him to "non-officially" diagnose me. It was depression. I spoke to my physician who started me on a barrage of medications, hoping something would help.

I remember exactly what set me off and caused me to seek treatment from an actual Psychologist. In 2007, I had joined SL. Late 2007 I had finally landed in a relationship with a man I had crushed on since I first began. We partnered, we married in SL ... we met in RL.  I was ... very deeply in love.  I ignored my RL when I was with him, because in my mind, he was all I craved and wanted. For 6 months it was nearly perfect, he even proposed. I knew he was who I wanted to be with forever.

Then it all came apart. He ended things with me during the week. That weekend was my moment of weakness. *Bear with me, this is hard to tell a group of people who do not know me intimately* That Friday, I woke up, knowing I shouldn't be alone. The entire weekend, I carried around a bottle full of muscle relaxers. And, yes, I mean I carried it around everywhere I went. Every night I took a bath and those pills were with me. Every night I contemplated taking the entire bottle and falling asleep for good in the tub. If the overdose didn't get me, the water would. I reached out to my best friend at some point that weekend. She begged me not to do anything and I said I wouldn't. But that pill bottle slept with me. My 'brother" at the time, the one who said he would always be there when I needed, never answered his phone, never called me back. I was totally alone. 

I got through the weekend without doing it, but only because I knew it would kill my parents to have to bury me. There was no one else in the world I cared about but them. Everyone else would move on, live their lives, and forget about me. I hated myself, and they were all better off without me.

He "took me back" after the weekend because he couldn't stand not being with me. 6 months later, it ended for good, although it was over the day he asked me back. I can only guess as to how many girls he cheated on me with.

I sought treatment when I realized I was going to kill myself. I needed something more than pills. I needed an official diagnosis. I need validation that I was ... sick? He confirmed it, made it official, and my physician and I continued the drug rotation. This one makes me sick ... this one doesn't do anything ... this one gives me hives ...

I've been in talk therapy for 3 years. It helps some, although I still hear disappointment in his words, I still fear doing things wrong, I still fear his judgement. But, I haven't been suicidal since.  I have teased the line of self-harm. I have scratched my skin enough to cause sores. I have dragged a box cutter down my leg. I have drawn welts on my skin with various metallic objects.  I have replaced these all with a marker. When I want to cut or hurt myself, I write on my skin. Although the relief isn't the same, it brings me a peace I can't explain.

My closest friends know exactly when my switch has been activated. Most can spot my depression when I lose my ability and my love to write. But those who are close to me sense it in a way no one can ... and for that I'm grateful.

I think I'll always have depression. I don't know that I will ever be "normal" and I'm not sure I want to be. In a way, I feel like I was given this disorder as a way to cope with the world and it's emotions. If you know me truly, you know why emotions are my devastation. (That's for another story).

So for now, I take my medications and I go to therapy and I share my story. I'm not embarrassed by my depression. It's not the only disorder I have, but it's the only one that many have in common. And maybe, if I can make anyone feel less anxious or stigmatized by sharing ... it's a positive thing.

~ Kis

I welcome any questions about my depression and what I have experienced with it. Feel free to message me if you wish. I'm very open about it.

I kept going back and forth with how to continue my story of how I came into my own as a submissive. I have even been speaking with the man who was my Master at that time as we both wrack our memories to try and remember exactly how things progressed. For us both, it is a huge jumble of memories where we only remember the times in which we had huge emotional breakthroughs in both of our lives.


It is quite interesting how I simply fell into the role. It is why I explain myself as a natural submissive to people who ask. It came and still comes quite naturally to me. My terms of speech, my need to make my Master proud and happy, and even the need to be punished at times for my transgressions.

You all will see a few things as my journey into this world progresses. The main thing is, I do believe in proper notation when speaking in type, however, you will not see these indicators unless I am speaking of current D/s relationships (not all D/s relationships are sexual). You may not understand what I am speaking of at this moment, but you will. I just ask you keep this in mind.

Another thing you may note, while my first relationship seems to follow in the footsteps of other D/s relationships in SL, my final beliefs in D/s have changed. They vary based on the depth of the D/s relationship. These are my views and I have found that they are not widely shared in SL. It is not believed that people disapprove of my views, simply see it differently. I have learned, above all, that we all view our relationships in different ways. There are some rights and some wrongs, but ultimately, how the relationship is handled is between the Dom(me) and sub themselves.

Let me leave you with this. My first discussion with the man who was to become my very first Master covered the basics of what he felt a submissive's role would be. He simply put all the possibilities out there, on the table, as in your face as they could be. It was up to us to define in which direction we would go. In this discussion I was introduced to slave auctions, public humiliation, speaking to strangers and friends in IM, handling others in public, and much more. No, this discussion was definitely not an easy one for me to digest. Even being so eager to please as I tend to be, some of these things would definitely test my personal strength and, in time, the love of my Master as well.

My stomach is growling and my brain is quite exhausted. I will leave you with this to pontificate on until the next time we speak. 

Be well.

~ Kis

Well this one came out of the blue tonight when I was thinking back on a friend's trials lately. I will not tell this person's story as it's not mine to tell. However, it once again reminded me how so many people in the virtual world act without conscience. How those who are gentle, loving, and kind get crushed beneath the shoes of those who twist, turn, and confuse others and bend them to serve their purpose, discarding them as trash when they are finished with their game.

This piece symbolizes the moment in which that break occurs. It's painful, devastating, and, to some, debilitating for ages.

Twisted fury

Accumulation of eclectic attire
Demolished glass
Scattered stationary

I cannot maintain a blind eye
I cannot continue to extend my grasp 
   into the alien depths of a darkness, 
   not knowing what creature might take hold
This emotional rainstorm must cease

Jumbled musings
Mutilated images
Tear stained messages

I am unable to endure
I cannot continue these futile attempts
   to metamorphose my very being
   into a servant bowing to your will
The personal onslaught must cease

And into the black hole I withdraw
Pressing my lips to the umbra, I inhale

Mine

Twisting my form into the corner
The glimmer begins to fade

Mine

Beneath your distorted thoughts and deceiving eyes
My distorted figure falls to the ground

And you burn

©2011 Kis (aka. Crys, D)

2007, I find myself standing in front of a Dom. My SL sister has introduced us and she is convinced he has a challenge ahead of him. He makes jokes of making me his and placing a collar around my neck. My sister has known me for 2-3 years now and she knows how hard-headed and defiant I am. After a while of talking, she leaves him and me to talk. 


Mind you, at this moment I did not know much about BDSM. I was convinced I would never fit into this world. Hell, I would have a minor meltdown if I went nude while changing at a club. Yet, I find myself standing in front of numerous contraptions, torture devices to one not familiar with them all. He dares me to try out the cross. Not one to turn down a dare, I do. Instantly, my interest is peaked. He offers me the opportunity to learn. I am not to call him Master, only Sir. If I decide this is something I feel I wish to delve even deeper into as I learn, I can ask him to collar me and become my Master, but only when/if I am sure.


At this very moment, I find myself in a place I feel completely natural and comfortable in. I am still nervous and shy, but I want to learn. For some reason, I am pulled to learn.


My first assignment is to create a notecard. The notecard is to have my likes, dislikes, never ever do, and a safeword. We will get to know each other and explore. He has a girlfriend who is also his submissive and at this time, he had 2 others as well.

My intention was only to learn, to broaden my horizons. When I walked out of the cozy SL beach home that day, I had no idea what I had opened up inside of me.


~ Kis


* Of course there will be more ...

The words do not pour from my fingers as they once did.

In my education, I have learned that everyone, even the most seemingly sane, has a touch of every psychological disorder in them. It's called emotion. It's when those emotions are so strong, lasting over a certain length of time, and interfering with our daily lives, that it is truly diagnosable as a disorder.

I have been diagnosed. The anxiety and depression is something I readily discuss. I'm not embarrassed by it as it is what has made me who I am today. What I find quite disconcerting is, although there are many in this world who actually have depression, so many still misunderstand it and mistreat those who live with it.

I don't suffer from depression, I survive it. My depression causes me to be extremely shut off and moody at times. There are days in which I can seem so very upbeat, talkative, hyper, then I will go days/weeks/months behind my wall, silent, watching, and wondering who's out there watching and paying attention. I have learned how to manage it with medication, but also with having friends who have actually taken the time to get to know me and know my patterns. They accept me in all forms and do not take it personally when I fade away for a while. They remind me they think of me and remind me that they are there before, during, and after my phases.

So forgive me when you see a series of posts that are dark and disturbing. Writing is my way of getting the thoughts out, making it easier to move on. Get to know those you cherish. Learn their patterns, love them through it all. And on the day they just cannot stand to face the world, remind them that you are there and still will be when the sun comes out again.

~Kis

In the background: Katatonia ~ "My Twin"

Empathy (n.)
The intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

Have you ever found yourself so totally overwhelmed by emotions that were not yours? Have you ever been so empathetic toward one's situation that you are magically inside their home, experiencing their pain, sick to your stomach, down on the floor, crying in agony?

Why did I start this blog? What would I do if this simple form of expressing the things in my soul, my head, my heart were to backfire, open me even more to those who would use my heart to their will and toss it aside ... again? This is the risk I take, to bring down my walls and write once again.

I set out tonight to tell you a story, a very personal and detrimental one. However, as I wrote the last few paragraphs, I realized I was bearing my soul far too quickly. I wanted to tell my readers how devastating it is to have someone pretend to care and love you with every fiber of their being then vanish into thin air, never to be heard from again. I wanted you all to experience the one thing on the internet that broke my heart into pieces for the very first time.

But I could not bear to show it to you all, not yet. It's been around 6 years and I still find it very hard to come face to face with it. Oddly enough, in SL, I do every single day. I talk to the person who wants to portray themselves as this gorgeous, sexually arousing, aesthetically pleasing being. They want you to believe they are strong, wanted, in demand ... in a virtual world. When behind the screen, they are just as damaged as you are.


So what am I doing tonight then? 1:20am and I should be in bed and instead I am sitting here at my keyboard spilling forth words that really do not make much sense.


I am asking you to feel.

I am asking that when you tell someone you love them you mean it.


I am asking that you hold so tightly to those who matter to you that maybe there are times they cannot breathe.


I am asking you to tell those important people in your life, all lives, that they mean something to you.


And I am asking you to use empathy when dealing with others in all walks of life.


This is something you will truly need as you delve deeper into my stories. Because I am far from perfection. I am far from straight-laced. 


In every thing you do and every thing you encounter, be open minded. If you are not, you will never learn how the world truly is. And that would be devastating.


I think I'll end my rambling here for the time being. My eyes are starting to cross and that cannot be a good sign. I hope I have not run any of my followers off with this blog. Trust me, they will get more interesting as time goes along. 


Thanks for your time

~ Kis


To Belong

Posted by Kismeia comments (0)

In the background: ToDieFor ~ "Silence Tells More"

I have a lot on my mind to write, but it is all so scrambled that I can't decide which way to go. So I thought instead of my normal rambling, tonight I would leave you all with a poem I have previously written. I do, however, want to give you all a little background as most of you do not know a lot about me. This will help with the piece.

Without going too far into detail and going off on a tangent, I am a submissive. To me, being a sub is different than being a slave, a pet, a toy. I will catch you all up one day on how I came into the world of D/s, but it's an involved story and not one I want to present this evening to you all. I do identify with the switch side, as I can and have been Dominant with a few, but never on a permanent basis. There are so many misconceptions that come to the minds of people when they here you are involved in the lifestyle, you are a sub, you are a Dom(me). From time to time I will hit on these in my blog, but I ask you all to understand what I present to you has developed from the way I was taught as well as the role I felt was pertinent for me.

I have a very dear friend who I have linked to on my page. His blog, at the moment, mostly discusses his SLife as a submissive. If you wish to know more, I strongly urge you to follow along with him as well.

As I stated, you will learn more about my standing and my beliefs surrounding my D/s relationships as we go on, but for now, I wish to share with you a brief poem.


Master
©2009


Leather and stainless steel
Caress the tender skin

My throat gently cuddled
Inside the tender brown

I hear the gentle click
Of steel upon ring

Hazel eyes open
To your gentle smile

Heart beating faster
As you softly tug

Pulling me closer
Strong arms around skin

A tender kiss
Upon my forehead

Heart fluttering
As you speak my name

Finally home
As I call you Master

Thank you all for reading and giving me positive feedback. It really does mean a great deal to me. Enjoy and I will have more for you soon.

~ Kis

About My Blog

This is my little corner to share with you whatever I feel at the moment I sit down at my keyboard to write. I simply ask for all to read with an open mind and a gentle heart. All worlds collide for a reason.

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